I am so excited, I can barely contain it!! SGA comes on tonight!! We all know where I will be!!! There needs to be some sort of club that I can join here in my city, where SGA nerds can come together and chillax... where can I find people obsessed like me??  LOL!!!    

I really want more friends on here... since I m bored at home... I am going to spend more time on here... so i can meet more people! ITS  A GOAL!!  But for now, I must go to sleep... g'nite world.

So I have been sick for a while... so I haven't been on here for a while.  I have been sleeping too much.  What I was thinking the other day is that I really want to be looking for someone to teach me guitar... so if anybody knows someone who is willing to teach me...  let me know.

So, guys I think I am in love.  After all my man hating rants... and pondering... all I want to do is be with him... *sigh* guess i am a hopeless romantic.  But since we are so far apart... I have anime and SGA/SG1 to comfort me! HAHAH!!

Life always deals me surprises...

I watched people come and go in my store today.  It was amazing once again.  People were getting upset over not finding the perfect shoes.  Yet- all I could think about was the explosion at the propane place in Toronto.  I have friends that live very close to that area, and I wonder if they are ok.  Also, a close friend of mine doesn't have the will to live... and I feel so helpless.  My heart is heavy- but what can I do to help?  All I have been doing so far is making myself available for them.  And to keep my mind I will watch some SGA and Ouran High... anime.  *sigh*  Why is life so cruel sometimes?

Today i met two mothers, different times, but two nonetheless.  One that got pregnant losing her virginity and then was abandoned by the father and another that told me that when children are bad, an adult should never go to the child but let the child come to them.  Interesting- both lives, touched mine today.  I love that the world works this way- the everyone always has a story to tell.  I love meeting people... I love hearing their stories.  I wish so desperately that I could make their pain go away. But I can't.  Guess that is my passion in life, to work towards an occupation where I can help- as much as possible.

When i get married, I want to be the only one.  Doesn't everyone want to be?  I was having a discussion today about being a first or second wife.  How does one do that?  Are there really women who would choose to not be the only one?  Could a woman love a man enough to share him?  Is it really love? All I know is that its crazy!!!! I can't understand it!

*sigh*

Well what can I say?  i was told today that even though I think I know what I want in men... I don't know.  And the more I though about it, the more I disagreed and then I realized that I agreed.  I have guidelines, but I don't.  Meh-

Anyways- I miss Stargate... the last episode wasn't what I was expecting, I felt like it didn't really depict Sheppard as he is... I mean yeah he is risky and does this that aren't "by the book" but there is no way he would be as reckless to crash a jumper into a wall where sexy Ronon could have been or even crash it in -- he couldn't have measured that he wouldn't kill the doctor Keller either.  It just seemed out of character and on the intense side.  It just was a little disappointing.

On the other hand- Bleach is getting more intense. I have been dedicating myself to catching up.  I am on episode... 100... I am almost done.  But I decided that I am going to name my first born son Renji Kenpachi.  LOL!!!  If only they were real.

Lol...

I haven't written in a long time.  There has been so much going on in my life and mind.  Sometimes I wish that I had 10 000 dollars, all my money issues would go away.  *sigh* ... that alas is not the case.  There is so much more I have to say-  but I can't right now.  I will write back later.

Today was my first day off in a while.  It was relaxing, except that I stayed up late watching Bleach.  I am so addcited.  In fact, right now I am waiting for more episodes to download. LOL!  I have to work tommorrow- so... we'll see how I survive.  I am starting to rethink work.  They want me to work 6 days a week... but I want my weekends!! BAH!  We'll see how it all turns out. Tonight I went out with friends to celebrate someone's birthday!! It was fun.  It could have been more fun but we danced for like 3 mins and then everyone went out to smoke, and since i don't smoke- that was boring.  Then we left.... oh well maybe clubs aren't my scene. OK- bleach is almost done- =)

Today my eyes beheld various things.  First it was the large girl whose shirt didn't cover her stomache and her short shorts that were not buttoned up.  Then there was the two girls that could not have been more than twenty with month old babies... geez.  Then there was the faithful customer, a woman, oddly shaped... her hips are huge but her but is concave... serious.  And her feet are like a 6 yr old's feet.  GEEZ.  Then there was the old lady- the one that looked ritzy.  She was well dressed but smelled like a homeless bum.  HA!  All in all- work was work.  Boring at times, crazy at times, but with very interesting people. 

The thought crossed my head today- what if I was trapped in this store, and I lived here like a hermit?  Would I stare out into the mall and wonder, "what is out there?" and "will I ever get to experience it?" LOL!  But alas, I am free to go wherever I please.   But sometimes I think that I would rather be trapped somewhere-- as long as I had the internet, SGA and Bleach.

Today I worked for the first time with one of the veterans.  He is a handsome man, who, is sure of himself and what he believes.  He is a Muslim.  I have met many Muslims and for the most part, they are all good people.  He was different.  He challenged my beliefs and even the core of who I am .  It was not like he was trying to convert me but there was a tone in his voice... or maybe it was the way he spoke- he spoke truth and that was it.  He asked me to explain my "religion" but then would interrupt and tell me his.  The thing is that I don't think he is as open-minded as he thinks, he seems more absolute.  A part of me enveys him, another admires him.  But all in all... I am not like him.  I believe in a just and loving God, a forgiving God, a God that does not expect for us to be perfect but only to strive for it with out making it legalism.  I felt like my explanations today were inadequate.  I felt as though I was being told I was wrong.  And that that slightly bothered me tells me that I am questioning, what I believe and how that effects who I am and how I live.  He spoke about absolutes, giving no room to mistake.  I would hate to live that way.  But alas, I am naive, and I love to forgive and just love.  I imagine that a life where I too have to be absolute would be an unhappy one at that.  But at the same time, doesn't God ask me to absolutely choose Him to be saved? Of course He does, but in the path which I choose to walk my Christian life-- that, is distinct and not so absolute.

*sigh*

I feel like I am determining who I am and how God affects my lifestyle.  I feel like how I am to live my life is in limbo.  I have always had standards by which i lived, chose my hobbies, and chose the people I allowed closest to me... I have let all that go-- maybe I am ok how I am.  I dunno- I need to think about it more.

So I was a walking home today from work.  I was listening to a song called Surrender by a christian chick band.  It talks about holding my dreams so tightly in my hands, not wanting to let them go and surrender them to God.  It is how I have been feeling lately.  I know that I must surrender everything I am so that He can work with me.  The song says that God whispers surrender gently-- and the girl's response is the cry of my heart- - "i know but can't you see, my dreams are me."  As long as I have known, my dreams and hopes were the pinnacle of who I was.  And now He is asking me to let that all go and just trust.  I did it before-- why can't I seem to do it now?  I guess I have always had this fear that God will hurt me.  It is such a ridiculous notion, I know, because He is the one that wants what is best for me, and He is the only one that can guarantee that best life for me.  Why does my heart still hold back when I know that in His hands I am truly safe?  Sometimes I wonder, has God left my side -- or is it just me that stopped listening and started distancing myself?

Anyways back to my walk home... as I pondered all of it, I saw a woman walking very slowly in front of me.  She was carrying two bags, they didn't look heavy but she was walking awfully slow.  As i passed her, God told me to offer my help.  HA!  You know when your conscience says something and you're like.. nah... and ignore it.  Yeah- I have found that that is God speaking to me.  I ignored it reasoning that she would probably be rude to me and decline my help.  So I walked past her but as I did God tugged at my heart.  Christians now a days ignore God's voice and then claim that He never speaks to them.  So I turned around.  I offered my help, and rather than being rude, she was surprised at the offer and accepted.  I took her grocery bag all the way to her apartment door.  She thanked me and we introduced ourselves.  She gave me the warmest smile, I don't think I could ever forget.  As I walked into the elevator to go down to my floor, tears streamed down my face.  I realized that God has never left me.  That He was always there trying to speak to me, yet I had to be still and listen.  He once again, proved to me that not only is He beside me at every moment but He has a great plan for my life.  I am scared but I know that with Him I am and will always be truly safe.

So I went to church this week, its been something I have been avoiding... and I realize that God knows me and likes to play with my conscience.  I really didn't want to go because all the people there have known me since i was born, basically.  They always ask lots of questions regarding my life, that quite frankly-- I don't want to tell about.  Mostly... because I have become this person who never tells anybody everything.  I guess most people are like that... with everything else I like to be transparent.  Anyways- I went, at the petition of my mother and sister.  Also because my father was going to attend, and I haven't seen him in a year. 

The service was usually un-entertaining... the song service key was too high for most people, and the short message didn't seem to flow very well... I sat there writing in my prayer journal about "thank God that its not communion" --- to my dismay it was.  I fail to see the communion table behind the unusually large group of people on stage.  When I realized it, I knew that God was chuckling.  Not even two minutes before I was thanking him that it wasn't what it obviously was.  I felt rather sheepish. 

This is how He works in my life.  He knows that I have been taught well, trained, and convicted that He is truth.  He knows that I will create distance between Him and I because I know I am doing something I am not supposed to, he also knows that when confronted with a decision to choose Him or Me-- I will always choose Him.  And this my friends, is the place I was.  I felt like I was pushed into a corner and made to choose.  And I chose to participate in communion and give in.  The battle between selfishness and surrender was won.  I surrendered.  Once again, He and I are friends... I know I want to be His-- I was just fighting it in vain.

God is a funny man- 'cause I know He chuckled at me....

Today I broke up with my boyfriend.  Funny... wasn't even a relationship anyway.  I am feeling kinda numb... cognitively, I know its best. I feel the same, but different... it seemed my life is going to take a different turn... the world is mine again!  Whatever shall I do?

Do you ever think about love?  A friend has told me that it is everyone's life conquest... to find the person who is suited for you.  I feel like I have lived my entire life in search of love, have given, and yet have been hung out to dry every time.  Its not that those who said they loved me didn't... its that they didn't love to the depth that I did.  I guess I am just searching... searching for someone to love.  But a love that will never be broken, a love so everlasting that not even the fire of hell itself will unbind it.  Lol... sometimes I feel that I will never find that kind of love, or that there are not enough good men out there.  I know there is... but where are they?  Half the men I meet don't even know who they are, much less what they want.  As I survey those my age, there are some with excellent direction, but I also see those stuck in a mediocre life that they have settled for.  How many in our generation are stuck there... and may not even realize it.  Then, if one settles for a mediocre life, how much more will they settle for a mediocre person, and not a full love but one laced with lust that eventually runs dry.  And the result is unhappy people in unhappy relationships... all culminating in broken homes.  Where is the clear logic in that?  And all because of settling for a mediocre life... all because no one took the time to search within themselves and really find out who they were and what they stood for.  Its sad.  I want to love with a unfathomable love, somewhat foreign to society today...*sigh* maybe one day...